Back in Action

Wow where to start?

First, a reflection with a Psalm which completely describes my situation at the moment.

Psalm 121


I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth


He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel 
will neither slumber nor sleep


The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day;
nor the moon by night.


The Lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore

I feel that the psalm in itself is quite self-explanatory but perhaps it lacks some detail as to what my own struggles have been like in the last 6 months.

Rewind - a visit to the past of September 2011
At this time, I had finished my re-sits and felt utterly exhausted! For my 3 week elective, I went to a rural part of Ontario in Canada and was with the most amazing husband and wife team living the dream job. Although their job description was the most perfect work-life balance job there could ever be, I just felt utterly fed up. Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) my tutor M picked this up and we had a serious career chat. He told me that my skills were fine but whether I had ever thought of taking some time out? Was medicine the right career choice for you?

It seemed as if a light switch was turned on in my brain - 'year out?' really?
- My initial thoughts
'I can't do that. That would be wasting time'
'I can't do that. That is not the Asian thing to do'
'I can't do that. My parents won't approve.'

That very same day, I acknowledged that I did indeed love medicine but I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I almost despised medicine. I had made an active choice to take a year out - I told myself that even if I had passed my exams, I would request to take a year out. That would be a wise move. I think I was so desperate to have time out that I was willing to fail my exams to get my year out (this gives you an enlightenment to the level of fatigue I was experiencing)

So I found out I failed - by 6 marks. I sobbed. On the inside though, I felt such peace. Peace that I knew God would take care of me. I was relieved that I could take a year out without criticism from my parents and would almost have the 'approval' to take the year out.

I was encouraged by my good friends M+R to pursue the appeal to the medical school during my 'year out' and most likely without their constant encouragement, I would have likely given up. My first informal appeal was rejected, 2 days before I left for Cambodia thus having to draft another formal appeal in 2 days time.

There have been many many times where I felt the easier route would have been to stop, to give up. I didn't necessarily feel a certain direction from God to go one way or another. I questioned my motives of entering the medical route and was reminded from the good Lord of my personal statement which was submitted into university, granting me 3 interviews. A paraphrase 'Access to health should not be defined by race, financial status or the geographical location you live in. Most of the time, people cannot control the circumstances they are put in but that should not dictate the level of health care they receive. They shouldn't but they do.' Of course having been in medicine for 4 years, I recognise that this is the idealist's  point of view but I believe there is a movement to this change.

As my passions for health inequalities ignited, I went down the path of trying to find a health inequalities masters. I was convinced that this did not exist. Helen googled it and the exact course of my dreams was there! I thought that this must be it.

Convincing myself that this was the way to go, I discussed this with my mentor R who is extremely persuasive. At that time, I was definite that med school was a waste of time and I should directly search for jobs in relation to health-inequalities. Of course R told me that I should re-consider and finish my course as there would be many other opportunities available (and of course she is right on so many levels). I did more extensive research and read bios of those who had come from the course and what they were doing now - none of them had really achieved what I had in mind of achieving (maybe I'm too ambitious).

Come January, I had completely swapped playing fields. The month before, I was convinced that I was to leave medicine and now I'm convinced to go back into medicine? Make up your mind Carmen! I prayed that whatever it was that God wanted me to do he would just fill me with passion and love and joy for what I do.

Come February, still no response from HYMS. My parents and I had decided that it was time to go back to Vancouver and for once in my life, I was feeling comfortable about going back to Vancouver. I was even feeling excited (which rarely happens) at what God was going to do in the city. Tickets were booked for early March. It was then I accepted that this could be a reality and I was content with that.  It was when I was happy at whatever circumstances came my way - med school/no med school, Vancouver/York that God gave me an answer.

I'm more than delighted with the outcome of re-entering the course with 4 months before the exams. I have learnt so much in the last 5 months than words can explain and have had time to just enjoy life!  I cannot guarantee I will pass this time but I can say that I have definitely learnt much more about God's character. I wouldn't trade this rocky ride for anything.

I hope this rant is an encouragement to you that our Lord is faithful and His timing is right. I think if the offer came through at the wrong time, I was likely to have rejected it but everything is at its perfect timing. Ultimately, he gives us free will to decide what we want to do. Sometimes there isn't necessarily a right or wrong answer.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure I would have been let back into the course if not so many people were praying. This is definitely an answer to prayer. This is definitely a second/third chance I don't deserve. But this is also another exciting part of the journey where God allows me to choose to do medicine again!

So here we go!

Vroom vroom.....